You've Got the Love

The band at our church played this song on Sunday. Loved it. It spoke right to my heart, as I sat in the pew having flashbacks of the last 8 1/2 months of my life, I know with certainty that God alone is enough to get us through our darkest days. Every time I want to just give up, go to bed and not get out again, He is present. Whispering His love to me, His purposes for me. And it is enough for me, to not only get by, but to flourish and be filled with a deep, deep joy. Even in my sorrow, there is joy. And more and more, there is also happiness. All we really have to cling to in this life, is Him. And He has everything I need. He is love.

Florence And The Machine

 "You've Got The Love"

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"

But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough

And things go wrong no matter what I do

Now and then it seems that life is just too much

But you've got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily need

When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real

You know it's real

You got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"

Time after time I think it's just no good

Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose

But you've got the love I need to see me through

You got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"

But you've got the love I need to see me through

Hear it if you like...

Thy Will Be Done

On today, 8 months after I held Jairus in my arms for the first time, we sang the following hymn at church. Every time we sing it, I weep. It is so beautiful and SO difficult. It is a daily submission to lay my desires and my tears before the cross of Jesus, to release Jairus to HIM and admit that God's sovereign (all knowing) will is the best way. My own will is not ultimate. Only in Jesus is Hope for today as well as tomorrow. Healing for pain and freedom from bondage.

God is truly good. All loving. Father. He will not abandon you. His will is mysterious and scary and perfect and beautiful. It has been a hard year, yet in the middle of our sorrow we truly to rejoice for our son. He is in the presence of our LORD. His joy exceeds anything we could have hoped for him here. And it is good. So today Jesus, I ask, that Your will be done...

THY WILL BE DONE (My God and Father! While I Stray)

by Charlotte Elliot, 1834

My God and Father while I stray

Far from my home, in life's rough way,

O teach me from my heart to say,

Thy will be done!

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,

Let me be still and murmur not,

Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,

Thy will be done.

If thou shouldst call me to resign

What most I prize - it ne'er was mine;

I only yield thee what was thine;

Thy will be done.

Should pining sickness waste away

My life in premature decay,

My Father, still I strive to say,

Thy will be done.

If but my fainting heart be blest

With thy sweet Spirit for its guest,

My God, to thee I leave the rest;

Thy will be done.

Renew my will from day to day,

Blend it with thine, and take away

All that now makes it hard to say,

Thy will be done.

Then when on earth I breathe no more

The prayer oft mixed with tears before,

I'll sing upon a happier shore,

Thy will be done.

Hanging Pictures

I hung up new pictures today

Beautiful shots

Like moments of a fairy tale captured

Plucked out of time

I hung up new pictures today

Smiling faces

Bright greens and yellows and pinks

Jumped off the page

I hung up new pictures today

Change comes

New memories add to our being

Surrounded by home.

I hung up new pictures today

Without change

No updates, no milestones, no more

Stuck in a photograph

I hung up new pictures today

Black and white 

Contrast vibrant colors of spring

Reminded me they've grown

I hung up new pictures today

Frames gathered

Dust washed away by new tears

Pictured as our forever baby 

Through the Valley

Maybe the title of this blog is a familiar phrase to you, maybe its a foggy memory of something you're sure you used to know, maybe you think I made it up (no way am I that original, as you may have noticed). But whether you've heard it a million times or today is your first intersection with this phrase, here's the skinny on "Through the Valley"

It is a phrase from one of the most famous Psalms (songs) in the Bible. Psalm 23. It's a beautiful song about God providing abundantly, even through the depths of suffering in our lives. While in the "valley of the shadow of death" God is present, bringing peace, healing and guidance at all times (even though it may not feel that way). So as we journey through our own "valley of the shadow of death" we cling to the promises we have for who God is and that He will ALWAYS be with us. Using this pain and blessing us in ways we never expected, to the point of over flowing. God doesn't wait until we're out of our valleys, He joins us in them. He doesn't give us promises only for the future, but for the present as well. He not only covers our deep wounds, he restores our souls.

When you are struggling through life (no matter what the source of struggle) you need to be able to lean on promises that this pain is not without purpose (or else despair can creep in). God does not enjoy suffering, He hates to see His children in pain. But because He is good, He's going to take this evil in your life and (somehow) use it for something that is Good. Scripture is filled with promises of God's relationship with us and His promises to us, and this song is no exception. One commentator breaks this Psalm into these  7 specific promises...

       The Lord is my Shepard therefore… 

          1.) I shall not be in want
          2.) I shall not lack rest (Psa 23:2) 
          3.) I shall not lack life (Psa 23:2)
          4.) I shall not lack guidance (Psa 23:3)
          5.) I shall not lack safety (Psa 23:4)
          6.) I shall not lack provision (Psa 23:5)
          7.) I shall not lack a heavenly home (Psa 23:6)

When you are in the valley, you have to cling to Truth, as your emotions will not bring it to you. You have to know it with more than your feelings, because the valley is dark and long and frightening.. It may seem you're lost in this valley, alone and aimless. Cling to the promise of Scripture. You are loved. You are provided for. You are within God's care even as you suffer. You have a future. You are never alone. Learning to cling to Christ is hard. But it's where you find out who you really are and what you really believe.

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me 

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD 

forever.

To Emma and Hazen....Love, Jairus

I'm Going To Live In Heaven Now

Hello Brother! Hello Sister!

It's almost time for me to go. 

I'm going to live in Heaven now, 

Jesus has called me home. 

It's OK to miss me

And it's OK to cry

It's OK to feel upset

And to ask the question 'why.'

But it's just fine to be happy too,

And to go on with your play.

Tell Mom and Dad I'm full of joy...

That I'll be with you all one day.

Dying means saying goodbye

It's time at last to go, 

To Heaven where I will worship God

Over the bright rainbow. 

Don't be scared brother. Don't be scared sister. 

Dying is not something to dread.

It's like taking off your dress-up clothes.

But I'm taking off my body instead. 

My body will stay here on earth,

From it I've been set free.

I'm going to live in Heaven now, 

Because Jesus has saved me!

Mommy and Daddy will bury my body, 

But I'm not in the ground. 

I'm going to live in Heaven now, 

Where I'll be safe and sound.

I love you Brother. I love you Sister. Remember, 

Death is not the end. 

One day you'll come to Heaven too. 

We'll be forever friends. 

Then we will dance

On the streets made of gold,

We'll laugh with the angels, 

We'll see Glories untold.

Where God lives with us,

And we'll always be

With Him because 

Jesus died on the tree.

When He rose up again, 

He beat death once for all. 

So when we're done here

Our names He will call. 

Goodbye Brother. Goodbye Sister. Jesus 

Told me its my day!

I'm going to live in Heaven now.

I'll see you again someday. 

In the Shadow of the Glorious Cross

There's a song I've been thinking about a lot lately called In the Shadow of the Glorious Cross by Brooks Ritter and Rebecca Bales from Sojourn Church. Its been brought before me a number of times in recent weeks, with a different message for me each time. Most notably, on the evening of Good Friday, while at an evening church service.

Good Friday was hard. It is incredibly overwhelming to think of the intense suffering Jesus went through for us. That He go through all that and declare "It is finished" astounds me, that He would endure the shame and pain and loneliness of the cross for my unborn baby, its humbling. The hymn was being played and I was trying to sing along, but hadn't been able to sing or say the praise of "Hallelujah" since Jairus died. Its a beautiful word, which means "praise ye the Lord" in the Hebrew language. Its a call to celebration and joy and uplifting of God. And it's been very hard for me to rejoice in the Lord the last few months. I am comforted by Him and rest in Him, but happiness is more difficult to offer up.
At the Good Friday service, during the "Hallelujah" chorus, I was given a vision in my mind's eye. In it I saw Jairus, laying on the floor, looking as he did the last time I saw him, so still and peaceful and quiet. Then, he turned away from me toward a dazzling bright light, he stood up and began dancing. And singing. And I knew for a fact that in that moment, my son has the privilege and the joy to look at the Lord who created him, the God who saved him, and to sing to HIM the praises of Hallelujah.
And I knew it was ok for me to be able to praise my God with the true Hallelujahs of my heart.

 In the Shadow of the Glorious Cross 
by Brooks Ritter and Rebecca Bales

In the Shadow of the Glorious Cross
Compelled by grace to cast my lot
Embrace the loss and bare your name
Forsaking all for Your own fame

Your hymn of grace sung over me
Abounding forth in glorious streams
My thirst is quenched by you my Lord
Sustained am I redeemed restored
Sustained am I redeemed restored


Hallelujah, Hallelujah

When death's dark shadow's at my feet
When I am plagued by unbelief
You place my hands into your side
By precious blood identified
By precious blood identified

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

These crowns I've clenched with fisted hands
I cast them down before the throne
Of Christ my God the worthy lamb
Christ crucified the Great I AM
Christ crucified the Great I AM

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

It's a beautiful song...enjoy!

4 Months Old

It's April 28th. 

Which means 4 months ago today our precious little boy was born to us. 

He was already in the arms of Jesus. 

And my heart still aches. 

I miss him all day every day.

But you might not be able to tell.

I smile more and laugh more. 

And my heart still aches.

We're making memories everyday

But he's not a part of them.

First smiles and giggles and falls have never come

And my heart still aches.

It may be true, he's better off there

and I know in my head that it is...

He with his loving Creator, his time here was fulfilled.

And my heart still aches. 

We love you baby boy. 

We miss you everyday. 

You will not return to us, but we will go to you.

And then the heart won't ache.

****

Photo credit: Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Song of Shared Sorrow

Music reaches into the depth of our souls sometimes. Be it for joy or sorrow, memory or loss, healing or hurting. The ministry of music touches every life in some way, great or small. This has been incredibly true for us.

It's so confusing to look around at the suffering present in the world. We live in a broken place where we see and experience suffering, or maybe we choose to turn away and ignore the pain of others rather than doing the work of wrestling with how a just God allows such things. Innumerable people are hopeless,hungry, homeless, broken, hateful, empty. God knows the hurt, even more deeply than any of us, as He is intimately present with each and every life He has created. And He doesn't rejoice in death, rather He weeps at the suffering of His children. Don't forget that. You are not alone, nor misunderstood.

18 Bullet Holes 

by Waterdeep

18 bullet holes in the body of a priest 
They say he was eating a hot dog when the ammunition was released. 
They say he was always fat and lazy but he was an awfully nice guy. 
That's just one more death to show you you never know when you're gonna die. 
You might be facing the beast 

Sometimes, God, I feel like I'm living in a bone grinding mill 
And every time I hear the sound I can barely stand still 
It's a thing I can't quite make out sometimes but it seems to keep getting louder- 
One more body from the valley of the dry bones getting ground up into powder 
Against Your holy will 

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here 
Why don't You come and help me out? 
Cause I can't even see clear 

The funny thing about the way a girl gets destroyed 
About the way that deal goes down 
Is that everybody pretty much sees it coming at the sister 
From all the way across town 
And she isn't always blinded, she isn't always far astray 
She just might not be thinking, she might be having a bad day 
But when you choose, you choose, and when you drown, you drown 

Last night I dreamed that You swallowed me into Yourself 

And I was floating on the sea inside 
When I landed on the shore, I saw all these people that I thought had died 
I hadn't seen some of them for ages 
They had left without a single word 
And when I said something to them, not a single one of them had heard 

They were all looking right through everything like it wasn't even there
Some were full of anger, some full of fear 
And then I recognized that something very sad 
But very beautiful was happening right here 
They were all caught outside standing alone in a very heavy rain 
And when a raindrop landed on my tongue 
I didn't need You to explain 
That these were Your tears 

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here 
Oh, that's right, You know so well 
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear 
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear 

And So Will Always Be With The Lord

Passed on from darkness and into the light

Gone now from sadness and dreams held so tight

Inherited sin yet Grace is enough

Joyous for you though these days are tough

When God called you home you were glad to obey

"I will go Lord!" was all you could say

No longer in waiting, all hopes are fulfilled

There is joy everlasting as the Father has willed

Gone now my baby, but only for now

Beyond understanding, the why and the how

One day this will all seem eternity past

When we find ourselves in the home that will last

On the wings of an eagle, away you have soared

And so will always be with the Lord