How Old Am I?!

The question has seriously baffled my mind at times. Getting older doesn't bother me, but I find it funny how I can't seem to get a grasp on how old I feel. Just how old am I?!

Being only 20 when I married the man of my dreams, I was instantly pulled into the world of grownups. I like it here. Now I hear stories of 20 year olds getting married and think, "Ohh no, you can't be married, you're just a baby! Ohh wait..."
At 22 I had my first baby, yanking me ahead another few years into Mommy-dom. I began to hear stories of single friends and think, "I'm so much older than that. But I'm not, but I am." And so I grew more used to being perpetually (and happily) ahead of many of my peers.
When I was 26 my child died. Now, how old does that make me?! I can't figure it out. I know it feels like something I shouldn't have to calculate yet, or ever. It also surprises me that only a year has gone by since I turned 26. I don't remember much of my birthday last year, but I know I was blissfully ignorant of the limited number of days I had with the baby I carried within me. I know we went to dinner, and the waitress commented how busy our life was about to be when Baby 3 made his/her appearance. I know life looked happy and simple and the way I had pictured in my head.
At 27 I feel, well, not like 27. Older.

Birthdays have different feelings these days, looking back/imagining the joy of the day people were born, placed into their mother and father's arms for the first time. All the excitement and anticipation and nerves that go with the day of our birth. Those thoughts are shadowed for me, I know now that not all birthdays are joyful. But I also know that each day of birth is a great miracle.

There is so much hope and joy and sorrow in life these days. Deep rooted emotions replace happy-go-lucky ones. There is much to miss and even more to be thankful for. What do I want for my birthday? Well, in all honesty I just want a day with my family all together, the 5 of us. But that is not to be. So instead, I'll spend the day holding those who are with me closer than before. I don't know what this year has in store for me, none of us does. But I know God is good. And I know that His plans include things I don't understand. And I know that HE has given me this day. The day of my birth.