"Grief comes in waves. It has to, if it hit you all at once, it would kill you."
My doctor told me that while I was still in the hospital after saying goodbye to Jairus. And it's so true. One minute I will be crying, the next laughing like crazy (usually thanks to Emma and Hazen who have brought both Mark and I many smiles and much comfort in these days). One minute I am stuck in a melancholy fog, the next I feel intensely focused on the task before me. And then back to melancholy, or tears, or laughter. It's often unpredictable but for sure its consistently changing.
So I will continue to mourn the best I can. My sweet boy is worth more than every one of my tears. One day I hope to remember our time with Jairus with joy, but that day has not come yet. In the mean time I will continue to celebrate his siblings. They are worth every smile and more. Each day has its struggles, but I am learning that each day also has its joys.
So while I am thrown in and out of my heart's ache, I know there is much to rejoice in as well.
It is a painful life, but it is also a good life.