Whispers of a Lie

It is hard to have patience with people who say, "There is no death" or "Death doesn't matter." There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences and both it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

There are many days I hear the whisper of a lie within me. It varies, but the jist of these thoughts sound like this..."You're making too big a deal about this. It doesn't really matter that Jairus is gone. He wasn't really here in the first place. It's no real loss, just the loss of a dream, of a pregnancy. not of a child." 

We all have to combat the lies in our lives. And you know what? Jairus is a child. He is our son. And our family feels the great void left by his death. We did not get to spend our lifetime with him, as we had hoped, but he spent all of his life with us. No one knows the number of days they are given. But there is no more or less value to a life based on the number of days lived, breaths taken, memories made. Life has value because it is a gift from God, who has made each person in His image. And He has cared enough, loved enough, that He came here to die for each life. Even the lives of those who would never open their eyes to this world. Christ loved my son, Jairus, enough to give up His own life for his. And He already knew the number of days Jairus would have. He counted that little life worthy of love.

I walk around talking out loud to myself sometimes. Lately I repeat short phrases to myself to try and make myself not only know them theoretically, but truly believe them. I'm beating them into my head, if you will. One of the most common little mantras I have for myself these days is one I borrow from a friend, "He was here, he's real, he matters." "He was here, he's real, he matters." "He was here, he's real, he matters." 

Jairus will always be my son. I will always miss him. He is worth grieving for. It matters that he was here and it matters that he is gone. It matters to us and it matters to the Lord. 

Dr. Seuss had it right after all, "Even if you can't hear or see them at all...a person's a person. No matter how small."