Tuesday, August 30, 2011

35 Weeks is a Lifetime

To You Readers:

I was 35 weeks pregnant the day I delivered my son. Today is 35 weeks after his birth and death.

It is hard to imagine he has now been gone as long as he was here. Everyday from now on means he's been gone longer than he lived on earth. And yet look at what such a short life can do! The impact of my tiny boy amazes me and makes me sing for joy at times (literally, as Emma and Hazen can attest to)!

I hope that Jairus's life shows off the glory of God. I hope that his life is a testimony of God's grace and the sufficiency of the cross. Mark and I have often said, all we really want for our children is for them to worship God with their whole beings at every point of their life. And when we study the Bible, we see that because of what Jesus has done, Jairus is already fulfilling that hope. What an honor for a parent to have.

Oh how much I miss him and wish he was here. I'd give anything to get the last 35 weeks back if we could have Jairus with us again. I want to know him more and see his personality and uniqueness developing. I wish I could see him grow and impact those around him. But instead I see how he impacted people around him by leaving this place and going on to another, better life.

We have heard testimony of Jairus's impact on other people's lives. And it is a treasure I hold deep within me every time I hear them. I am so honored to be the mother of one of God's children.

That's what I want to focus on today.

To My Sweet Son:

We miss you. Everyday. Emma and Hazen will always miss out on growing up with you, laughing with you, fighting with you. They will be different people because of your absence. Your Daddy and I are different people because you are not here with us. We love you more than you could have known had we raised you.
But, I think, you know that. Because you are in the presence of more perfect and ultimate love at this very moment. And I am grateful for that.

I will always treasure you as my little boy. My 3rd child. My son. Part of my heart died when you did. And I'll never get that part of my heart back. I don't want it back. It belongs to you. I want you to keep it.

Jesus is teaching your Mommy wonderful things, things I never would have seen or learned had you not gone to Heaven. It is one of His many mercies to me. I know He is taking great care of you. I know that I have nothing to fear, and that my life here is temporal. One day I will get to live with Jesus, just like you. I am very excited for that day.

I really wanted to be your Mommy. I wanted to hug you and care for you. I wanted so much for your life. But you know what? The thing I wanted most, you already are. Just like your name-sake in the Bible, I see in your short life, great faith and testimony to the power of Jesus raising the dead to life. You are a minister of the Gospel. Just like I wanted you to be. I am proud of you.

Wait patiently for me, as I wait for our Lord to come back and restore His creation to perfection. In that day, even death will die. And we shall live. Forever.
I love you Jairus.

1 comment:

  1. My heart breaks for you. There is so much beauty in our sons being with the Lord, but there is so much pain as well. I'm continuing to pray for you. <3