Monday, April 11, 2011

Spring's Arrival

Spring has finally come to frozen Minnesota. We're ignoring the weather report of rain/snow mix later this week and trying to enjoy the sunshine. Emma and Hazen are having a blast riding their bikes in the driveway, having campfires in the back yard and going to the park whenever we need to run off some energy. Its good to be outside. I'm raking leaves (was all that raking last fall of any benefit?! You wouldn't think so with the amount our huge tress continued to shed after snow was on the ground in November.) and preparing the garden for veggies and flowers. 

Spring in the Midwest is when you get to re-meet the neighbors you haven't seen in 6 months due to the hibernation mode we all go into. A couple of ours have stopped by to offer hugs, cookies and condolences as they heard what happened to our expected bundle of joy during the long winter months. This spring was supposed to mean introducing Jairus to the neighborhood, wearing him in the Moby wrap and gardening with him on the bouncy seat in the shade. Instead we're trying to make the yard look nicer than we feel, enjoying the kids but feeling that there is an empty space where their brother should be, we're ordering a headstone and planning picnics in a cemetery. 

When I was cleaning up toys during nap time today, I looked over and saw this...

I've been watching the 2 kids use the 3 bikes for a couple weeks, they are both just between 2 of them, size and coordination wise. But today when I saw the 3 little bikes lined up on the driveway, it really broke my heart all over again. All the would be memories of the 3 of them riding in the driveway, coloring with chalk, going on adventures in the woods across the street, playing in the's never going to be our reality. The dream has ended and in its stead is the hurting and the inevitable asking of answerless questions.

I love watching Emma and Hazen enjoy the spring weather. And I am so glad it's finally here. But my heart is still stuck on a cold night in December.

We miss you little guy.

1 comment:

  1. Although I cannot relate first hand to what you're going through, I do know what "incomplete" feels like. The three little bikes made my heart beat faster as well...

    God is good. And when we're delighting ourselves in Him, He is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts... I cling to that. I've really had to learn to let go of the picture in my head, learning to be content with what I've already been blessed with, but still hoping that there's more to come all wrapped up in blue...or pink ;) Trusting in the Lord and His Sovereign plan is all we have...but really, could we want anything more?

    Love you sister.