Friday, October 28, 2011

10 Months

I don't know what to write today, except that I am heartsick.

When Emma was 10 months old, we became pregnant with Hazen. Which is not going to be the case, 10 months after losing Jairus. Medical concerns have yet to be resolved (again, posts for another time) and we are in a waiting game. But it makes Jairus seem old to think about that, how his sister was on her way to becoming an older sibling at this age. 10 months. Wow.

Its a beautiful, chilly fall day. Probably the last 28th of the month without snow covering the ground until spring. Which means soon, going to the cemetery will be reminiscent of the day we placed his body in the ground. And that will be another hurdle for my heart to adjust to as well.

I've started Christmas shopping online, trying to get it over with before I get too upset about my baby not being a part of Christmas morning this year. But its not helping much, I feel choked up and tightness in my chest just looking at toys, much less deciding which ornaments we'll add to the kids' collections this year. We'll be starting a new collection, but not one we'd hoped for. But holidays will be discussions for other days, I am sure.

Sorry for my random thoughts, but that's where I am at today. I feel tired and sad and busy and scattered and joyful and weary. All mixed up together within me. Its not such a different day than others. Each day has its hurts, its trials. But it also has its joys, its own 'echos of Eden' its times of laughter and silliness and hope. That's where we're resting somewhere in the middle of all that this life has for us today. 

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