Last Wednesday, Jairus would have turned 9 months old.
The 28th of September was quite different than the 28th of every other month this year, mostly because, I forgot about it. I didn't even realize the 28th had come until it was already gone. I had never done that before...never not worried about another month passing, never had a good day on the 28th of the month in all of 2011. This time, I never even noticed. And once I did remember, the afternoon of the next day, I felt strangely unemotional about it. Some people tell me its good, a sign of healing; others express sadness that its so normal for him to be gone. I guess I think its both.
9 months sounds like such a long time for anything. I feel simultaneously surprised that its been 3/4 of a year since Jairus died, and also like he has been gone far longer than that, this year has felt so much longer than years past.
Whether I know the date or not, not a day oes by we do not miss his presence in our family, There is a gap. A lack of giggles, crawling and cheer. Emma and Hazen don't get to play and watch and love on Jairus. We have so much joy in our lives, so much to be thankful for. And in the midst of it, we remember our son, who's honor it is to live with Jesus forever, and whose absence is a deep wound in our hearts. A wound healing by Christ's love and promises. A wound with purpose, and love, and joy.
I'm beginning to read the book of Jeremiah now, and it opens with a promise of God to Jeremiah that has warmed my heart and brought me so much hope for my little boy in Heaven. A promise of God's purposefulness and plan for my son, who has shared Jesus with people through his life's story, through his Home-going and through the family left behind him.
Now the Word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. And before you were born, I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."