I struggled a lot in the spring with the fact that I hadn't planned on having a garden at all this year, because I was planning on having a new baby. But I planned and prepped. Working in the dirt was scary and reminded me of Jairus's burial. But I got down on my hands and knees and planted, sowing the seeds with my (literal) tears, praying for healing and sense to come, praying for faith to keep going. Praying for faith that God would grow beauty from ashes.
I tended my small plot in the front yard of our home (the only space that gets enough sunlight without having to tear out a tree) and grew a small variety of veggies from seed: spinach, peapods, tomatoes, pickling cucumbers, carrots, broccoli, basil, dill and oregano as well as some flowers and perrenial plants. I've been able to can pickles and tomatoes, freeze carrots, dry seasonings and have lots of fresh salads and snacks throughout the season. And I love it, I loved watching the plants come in, tending them daily, seeing the fruit ripen and enjoying the delicious fruit of our labor.
Nothing in this life is really in our control, though we try so hard to convince ourselves it is. God is orchestrating His beautiful love story through history. He has designed His Goodness to penetrate creation, to produce Fruit for the good of His children. I couldn't do anything to make those seeds grow. I could tend the garden, make preparations and do my part to help them, but only God could make them change into the great plants they were designed to be. I can't take the mess of my own life and do anything with it, but if I can give it to God and trust Him with it, He will turn my mess and my pain into something beautiful, healing, fruitful. And I am counting on Him to do just that.